30 and still single

Welcome to the year 2017.

None the wiser. My goodness, where has the time gone?

1. Long distance relationships don’t work out,
   especially when one of you is in a country that still undermines women and their human rights aka Saudi Arabia. This should have been a no brainer… again, none the wiser.
2. The gym is your friend.
   The only one that’s still there for you when all your friends are paired up, planning home renovations and baby talking.
3. Date younger men.
   Nothing is wrong with that. We’re young at heart…. and if we’re still single with no one to go out with except work and “networking” events, we still have time to keep our body in check. Looking forward to 40, I imagine I’d have an even better looking body. Not sure why though since at 30, I’m made of 50% sugar/fat and maybe 50% muscles and can’t lose 5lbs to save my life. As long as they have their sh*t together, right? How about that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher for two seconds eh? Or currently, Gabrielle Union and Wade. The rise of older women with younger men. You go, girl!
4. Beat your so called girlfriends to the punchline.
   Towards my late 20’s, all I would hear from brunch is, “Christina, don’t you think you’re being too picky? You’re not 22 anymore. Everyone we know is either married, in a serious relationship, or have children.” What I’ve learned is to beat your judgy friends to the punchline and tell the truth. Truth is we’re wired to want companionship, and I’ve been in several long relationships that simply didn’t work out. What a difference that made – same group of friends, their response this time is, “Well, you’re still young, and there’s plenty of people who don’t get married until late 30’s.” Much easier than trying to fight them every time.
5. Question every single man’s actions every single time.
   It’s a dangerous world for a single woman. 100% of women will get harassed in their life. Very high statistics. Been watching too many Korean dramas on Netflix lately (probably because I’m depressed and going through what seems to be another breakup – another story to be had another day), and I’m beginning to think women here should be more careful. Predators everywhere, and we need to speak up every time any little thing happens because that’s the only way change will take place. A high school girl with a 4.0 GPA was prohibited from walking the stage on her graduation day because she wore a shirt without a bra. Or women getting punished for wearing whatever they feel like wearing, while men get away with indecent behaviors. What I say to that is F*CK You to all the perverts and folks who have their priorities all wrong. Women, wear whatever you want, wear a bra or no bra, tampon/pad or none at all on your menstrual days, and give all those backward-thinking folks the finger. Be ruthless, be smart, and always speak up.
6. Lie about the number of partners you’ve been with.
   According to a survey, the average number of sex partners for a woman in the U.S. is 7. Well, let’s be honest, ladies…. don’t be honest because I’m pretty sure that “average number” was also a lie. I’ve been way to honest in my past relationships, and I’m still single.
7. F*ck dating apps.
   They don’t work. They only add to your number. Try going to Meetups or all these networking events your coworkers keep inviting you to. You will meet better quality men – trust me.
8. If you do the chasing, stop it.
   No man really wants an “aggressive” woman – it’s a sham whenever they say they like women who take initiative. It only means you’re probably going to be splitting the check every date. These men disguise themselves by saying they are supporters of feminism. *eyeroll*. I see right through you, you Cheapsake.
9. Create a bucket-list and start crossing them off.

At the end of the day, as much as I’d love to be married, with three children, living on a ranch with ponies, there’s nothing worse than being with the wrong person.

Guide to Surviving a LDR

So they say, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” That is if you’re able to withstand the test of time. My boyfriend and I had met in Shanghai, China, working at the same school for over 8 months. We started traveling together on holidays and before we knew it, our year contract was up, and we had a decision to make.

The dreaded, “Are we going to stay together after China and how?”

I currently live in Dallas, Texas. My boyfriend is from London and lives in Saudi Arabia. Exactly 7,854 miles away. We haven’t seen each other but through the use of technological advancements of FaceTime/Skype/WhatsApp/WeChat since the end of April 2015. It is now October, and it’s been nearly 6 months.

1. Do not think about time.

It shall be the death of you. Agree on committing to the LDR, and carry on. From my experience and current situation, my boyfriend seems to be having a much easier time with this. He usually doesn’t mention how he misses me every single day nor does he whine about the distance as I do, but he simply talks about his work, family, and life as if the distance is nothing. I soon decided to do the same, and things became a lot easier.

2. Keep yourself busy.

Stay focused on the long term goal: Being together at the end of it all. Make a list of all the things you want to do for yourself and do them. The positive side of being in a LDR is it’s only you that you have to worry about. You learn to be independent, love yourself, and add to your repertoire of “all things that make you worth someone waiting on and holding out for.”  Since I have been back in Dallas, I have never been more busy in my life. I have joined 3 organizations; I’m actively volunteering and helping out with social media/marketing for 2 of the organizations; completed 2 5k runs; found and am currently working for a couple of promotional marketing teams on the weekends; landed a full time job; finished all of Season 4 American Horror Story on Netflix, all of Season 1 Jane the Virgin, and numerous films; and started my own company. To say the least, I have not given myself any time to think about the relationship besides, I need to make money if I want to see him.

3. Have a plan.

Again, I need to make money if I want to see him. Also, people say it’s taboo to talk about marriage too soon, but I say if you know he/she’s the one, talking about it and understanding what each of your views are will only bring the relationship closer. The sooner you’re both on the same page, the better. After buckets of tears and hours of talk, a) know the duration of the long distance; b) know what each of you intend to be doing during that time i.e. work, school, hobbies, etc; c) know what to expect from each other i.e. how often you will talk to each other via phone, email, text; d) set rules i.e. “There’s no second chances with cheating,” and e) when you plan on seeing each other again.

4. NEVER joke around about the distance being too much to handle if it’s not true.

Is the relationship worth it? If you’ve decided to commit to it, then stick with it. Months into the transition, I went out with friends for a few drinks. I was feeling a bit sad and vulnerable because after a wonderful girls’ night, I knew all of my girlfriends would be going back home to their boyfriends/husbands/lovers. I drunk dialed my boyfriend (mistake #1), expecting him to make me feel better (mistake #2), and blurted out, “I can’t do this long distance relationship for more than a year” (the biggest mistake of them all). In my head, I was thinking, if I said this, knowing he had already told me it would be for at least 2 years, he’ll agree and find a way for us to be closer after a year. What actually happened was, he started thinking about it and suggested we end it since I said I can’t do it, and he didn’t want to be unfair to me. I went through all the stages of breakup over night, and told him, “You should reconsider,” and all he asked me was, “Are you sure?” because if I was sure, he was sure.

5. Be consistent. Have a routine. And keep each other in check.

Since my boyfriend and I had decided to do the long distance thing, he calls me every single morning to say, “Good morning,” and every single night to say, “Goodnight.” If that’s not love, I’m not sure what is. The time difference is 8 hours, so it is difficult to find time to really talk to each other, but we make time. When I wake up around 6 or 7am, he comes home from work and calls me. When he wakes up for work at 6am, he calls and he’s the last person I go to bed thinking about. Early in our LDR, there was a Saturday that he didn’t call me (because he had plans with his family and was busy, but I didn’t know or care), I called him and said, “You didn’t call me,” and completely blew it out of proportion (knowing that it could go 2 ways: he’ll never do it again or he’s over the LDR). He never missed a day without calling me again.

6. Believe in the relationship.

At the end of the day, it’s always about believing in the relationship, wanting it to work, and knowing the person you’re with is worth it and vice versa. This is the most important advice I can give anyone in a LDR. If your heart is not 100% in it, it’s going to be a rocky road and it isn’t ice cream.

How I feel about us

May 7, 2014 email

I totally love you… I had lunch with a friend that I haven’t seen in nearly a year the other day. He asked me what was up with you and me, and I shrugged. He told me he’s mad at you because he seriously thought that we’d live happily ever after, but he ended it with, “You love him though. I can tell.” Yeah, I love you differently than what I originally wanted, but it’s nonetheless real. Thought I’d share that with you. If you ever wonder, I really love and care about you.

____

Ahh, c’est la vie. Perhaps it’s things as such that prevents me from finding a legitimate relationship – can’t let go of the past. I’ll be in Shanghai in less than 2 weeks for an indefinite amount of time…. much further than Dallas to New York.

Running is what I do best – away, from, and to.

If I had a compass, I’d never be lost

So heartbroken. 2012 pushed me to the ground, 2013 kicked me while I was down, and….

This new year has started off rocky.

Memories of Christine still haunts me, more so now that I’m back in Dallas. Towards the end of 2013 for a brief moment (fortunately), I was spending time with an old lover from nearly 5 years ago. Drugs and alcohol filled my veins like it was the first time I was with him except this time, he’s been to prison and back and I have a ton of emotional baggage that I’ve written off as “passion”. I shake my head with a sick chuckle of how ridiculous I am for even tampering with a closed door. I am terrified of fire, yet I fly straight into it every time and burn, never learning. It was the first day of this year, and he texts me and says “we’re bad for each other…” Thank god, there must be one or at least someone out there who’s watching out for me… I can’t help but want to cry, and as the tears stream down my face, I’m unsure if they’re tears of happiness or despair. I keep getting this feeling like I’m getting closer to whatever it is I’m searching for, yet every time, I get even closer to the things I fear the most. If I am being tested, I’ve failed every single time. One step forward, two steps back… At least I’m moving forward. The devil looks at me straight in my eyes with his beautiful sharp blue eyes, and I say, “Sure, I will go to hell with you, but I don’t want to stay if that’s ok?” And I become too troublesome, maybe too demanding for he doesn’t want me. Lol. That’s what happened. I must be meant for greater things than saving the devil.

I am so heartbroken over James, Mac, and my move to St. Louis last year. And I feel as if for the first time in a long time, I am able to breathe freely, but I’m having a hard time. Give me a respirator? I grab a cigarette instead because it’s all I know and laugh with my friends about how I’m in complete control of my life… I suppose I fake it until I become it right? I’m ok, I’m always ok and never. Never alone and always… the worst.

What a year 2013 was…. New York, St. Louis, Seattle, Chicago and everything inbetween that is too difficult for me to face. A year of failures, so perhaps this year will be a year of learning from my mistakes?

The world is yo…

The world is your oyster.

“You have the ability to achieve anything you want.” Why am I so sad? Back in April, I moved to St. Louis from New York City to help my friend’s startup, and now there’s no place for me. I go from being an “executive” to having my position outsourced. I should be happy because I knew this day was coming and a huge weight has been lifted off of me. Once I had set everything up with him, I knew what I wanted to do with my career wasn’t going to be with that company. I am now “head of sales/customer relations,” but not really…

“Finish graduate school and the world is your oyster,” says the example of this idiom on english-for-students.com. This is a clear sign right? The one link I decided to click on for the definition is telling me to go back to school. James has been telling me to go back to school. My dad has been wanting me to nearly every time I come home to Dallas.

It’s time I come home….? Or do I continue searching for myself because I’m still “young”? *deep breath* I don’t know why I’m so sad. I just am. Maybe it’s all the raining in Seattle…

Early Winter Woes

*Deep breath* For the past few months, I’ve been living in Saint Louis, getting some new lady curves, and dealing with start up woes. Finally got internet in my apartment, got rid of my #aerobed, and now my mom and sister are coming to visit, so I’ll be sleeping on the floor with all the baby spiders I’ve encountered in my new humble abode.

Things are beginning to get complicated….

I find myself running, always wanting to get away from something… not entirely sure what it is, but it’s a feeling of not wanting to be trapped or tied down or worse, not having enough time to do everything I want to do. Sometimes I wonder if I keep running and where I should be is home in Texas. Am I running farther from the solution or is “searching” a part of my solution? I want to move to the west coast because I’ve never lived there. And when I’m satisfied with myself on the west coast, I’d like to live overseas for a little bit before coming home and settling down. I’ve been fortunate to be able to pick up my things and go, or perhaps I’ve been spoiled?

Should I come home and be with family and friends – I would be happy, I think.

Anyways, people keep disappointing me, and I’m beginning to think perhaps it’s me with the problem….

Oh, I need a drink. Is it happy hour?

I have been slacking on my blog. I must apologize for the long hibernation period.

Let’s pretend I wrote the following posts: “Benevolent Dictator,” “I must be doing something right. Thank you, Ms. Valerie in Honolulu, HI,” and “Is it better to have loved than not?,” but in reality, I did not. Sad mother f-ing face. Speaking of which, Happy Early Mother’s Day!

Onward, I say.

I keep checking my “trash” inbox, hoping to see your email, but I find myself drunker by the minute… with absolutely nothing but messages from solicitors – Thanks.

To update everyone, I left New York, went back home to Texas, and James ignored all my calls and emails for a week, and when I finally get a hold of him, he says, “I’ve been depressed,” for the third or fourth time. I just turned 26. Obama doesn’t care about me anymore, and I work for a start up in Saint Louis now.

Let me tell you what happens at this magical age. Quarter life crisis has finally sunken in, and I’m over it regardless of whether or not I am employed. Hello, Blue Cross Blue Shield, by myself. J/k. The beauty of working for a start up in its early stages is that I am in control of my own career growth and development. I am able to make whatever I want to be happen. Downside, it’s a lot of work…. Anyways, I’m at a funny transition. You’re either with me or you’re not. It’s black or it’s white. And this is what James said to me while I was at “home” in Texas (where my family is, when I left New York, right before my move to Saint Louie), “We’ve had this discussion about a year ago when you came to New York. We’re not compatible  and we’re not in the same city.” Silly me. And here, I thought we were actually something… with all his lies of our future and our children talk. Give me a moment, I need a breather. Ok, at this age, I do begin to think about my future and where I’d like to be, and who I’d like to be and who I’d like to be with. Oh, big decisions, big pants…. you, are way over my head.

 Good day and I bid all farewell for now. I’m going to the gym slightly tipsy….

CraigsList Dating

I have found it to be more beneficial for women to post on Craigslist, looking for a date, than to simply browse through hundreds of posts with pictures of ugly genitals. I’ve only posted twice – a couple of hours ago, and the other time was a few years ago. The response is amazing!

The first post, I had bought 2 tickets to a concert that a friend bailed on me at the last second, so I posted them up on Craigslist, and to my surprise, a short little ad with no pictures produced an instantaneous plethora of responses from some of the most gorgeous guys I’ve ever seen. Where have these men been hiding? The pictures seemed legit, but what do I know. I’ve been on a couple of CL dates, and they’re interesting! They’ve all been fun! Of course, safety and precautionary measures must be taken… you know… blah blah blah. Don’t be stupid, basically. I took a gander at my OkCupid account too – meh, it takes too long and all of my dates have been odd from that site. That’s all I’m going to say about OkC.

So to fill everyone in, I am officially single in the great city of New York! Hello, World… come at me. Jk. Here’s the low down, I’ll be in DC visiting a close friend for a few days, and Valentine’s day is right around the corner, so why not get myself out there and see what’s up? Especially since J. hasn’t even mentioned anything, and we’re not together anyways.

Just so you know, I should have gone with my instincts when I first met him that it was bad news panda – come on, the reason I met him was from one of his exes who practices open relationships and infidelity. She was a mutual friend at the time… so my better judgement was clouded. 2 shady people fooled me : ( Lesson learned. Onward, I say.

I will update once I follow through with one of these dates…. : ) In the meantime, the Walking Dead, Dead Yourself app is great for killing time…

Here I am as a zombie, doing my thing on the subway

New York, New York

No place like New York, an unrivaled leader in solitary disposition, where all you have is yourself in a sea of sharks. I am a dolphin.

It’s been less than one week since I’ve been living in New York, and my emotions have been volatile, fluctuating from hot to cold like a dreadful fever. I met up with my sister last night, and I told her I missed Elliot and home. She asked me, “Did Lynn tell you about Elliot this past weekend?”

“That he’s been naughty?”

“The other day when we were at the Galleria, he wouldn’t leave the play area, but he apparently saw a girl from behind with long hair and started running after her, calling out ‘Aunt Tina, Aunt Tina’ and held her hand. He thought it was you until she turned around.”

And before I knew it, the water gates opened up, shameless crying in public at the airport has become me.

On to other matters, a wise man once said to me, “If you want to have a good friend, you must be a good friend.” If I want someone to take care of me when I’m sick, I must do the same. This is one of my requirements in a partner, so how can I want what I don’t give? Today is the first time I truly understand that. Let’s just say James has been a very bad puppy…. flu or no flu! But I’ll let him use that line for now…. since everyone else seems to be…

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for who you are not. -André Gide

Ahhh, it’s that time of year again – Self-reflection.

Some things I have learned last year:

• I finally see people for who they are – the good, the bad, and the ugly. And let me tell you, there’s a lot of ugly disguised as angels…. can’t fool me anymore! (maybe)
• I’ve learned to accept things as they are. It was a bumpy year in the Friends, Relationships That Should Have Ended Years Back, and Personal Awareness departments. I won’t lie – I still love Brad….. but alas, 2012 was a year of pasts’ closure and new beginnings for me. And Christine. Christine will always be a hard subject for me – not sure when the day will come when my eyes don’t water up instantaneously with the mention of her name.
• I need to learn how to “fake it until I make it” better. I need to learn to love myself more. I need to give myself more credit. I need to start seeing myself the way I’d like to be. I’m the last step in completing this circle in my life… and onto the next ripple of my existence. I wish I could say farewell to my quarter-life crisis, but it seems I’ve only begun to learn how to live with it. We’re still getting acquainted…
• Now, what I really need is a job….. lol. But it’ll come, I feel it, or at least my bank will make me feel it.

This year will be the year everything comes together, and I’m hoping I’ll be able to see clearer.

I am going to move to New York and be my top priority. I need to be uncomfortable and challenge myself. I will love James the way I want to love someone. Complete, selfless love. I have my stipulations and ideals on relationships, specifically mine, but I am going to love the only way I know how – without any reservations and expectations. I am going to give New York a fair chance, me and James a fair chance, and myself a long well awaited chance.

“You’ve been through quite a bit of struggles the past few years, Christina,” Jesús says to me. Yes, yes I have, and I’m finally breathing on my own. I’ve made it to the surface of the water.

2013. Whatever happens, happens, and that’s exactly how I’ll be walking into each day – no expectations but with all the confidence in the world behind me.